all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
