I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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