how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
bring money and cleavage
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
