This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
