oh fat girl friday strikes again...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
