Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My penis needs a shock collar
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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