i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
wow bdsm is so cute
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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