im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
