I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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