I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
