saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
