He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
