I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
