just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize