can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
