If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Enjoy the penises
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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