I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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