just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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