You can't special order awesome
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't turn off my feet"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
where are my eyebrows?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
