This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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