i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My feet surprised me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
