Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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