apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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