booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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