You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
