Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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