haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
