Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
