Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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