The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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