There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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