I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
