M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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