This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
