hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize