I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize