I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
