Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
