Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
