i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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