I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
