I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
