my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize