Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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