I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
