my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
