I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
