She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
