You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
