you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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