If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
