she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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