then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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