i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
