Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
