Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
