Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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