I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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