I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
